TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, PROFITS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Staff Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were being a penthouse, it might have a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker obtain. That is the vision behind Trump Tower Damascus, the most up-to-date geopolitical growth-slash-luxury real estate property calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.


Yes, the man who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Impression catalogs has now established his eye on the center East. And never the same old Dubai skyline filler both-no, we are speaking Damascus, the town historically noted for ancient lifestyle, deadly proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with views of contested airspace.


"It'll be remarkable. Tremendous!" Trump declared by means of a leaked golfing cart Zoom call, streamed with the Placing environmentally friendly within Mar-a-Lago's Problem Bunker. "We have experienced gorgeous ceasefires in Syria. A few of the ideal. But now, we are making them with balconies."



Welcome into the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus similar to a shaved alpaca in the falafel stand-baffled, majestic, and entirely outside of position. Intended by Slovenian organization Ivana & Sons, the tower capabilities:




  • A three-flooring Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Delighted Hour until finally the drone flies")




  • And also a 9/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely called "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses claimed blended reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile merchant, sighed, "We waited ten many years for potable h2o. But Of course, positive, let's have Yet another location in which American Gentlemen can have on robes and simply call it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains plus a pillow menu, obviously."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. international policy analysts are calling this by far the most audacious peace attempt given that Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Although preceding negotiations failed underneath the load of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's prepare is simpler: present Everybody a suite about the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.


As outlined by paperwork revealed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal incorporates "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration among rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, entire with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is certainly gentle power," mentioned political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Tv set, wielding a contract in addition to a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO does not. Geopolitical gridlock requirements fewer diplomats and a lot more minibar updates."



What the Critics Are Screaming


International watchdogs have sounded the alarm, primarily into gold-plated intercoms put in in Just about every unit. The UN Particular Rapporteur for Conflict of Desire noted, "It's Trump Tower Damascus not that Trump shouldn't open up a tower inside of a war zone. It truly is that he must prevent making use of it to lease ballroom Area to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when questioned concerning the challenge, replied, "You know, guy, I after rode a camel in Beirut. Excellent people today. Good tan. In any case, do I nonetheless have that ice cream?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a collection for "potential proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred towards the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory from the Levant."



Satellite Pictures Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit revealed that the hotel's landscaping forms an enormous Trump head obvious from Place, a aspect staying promoted as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is produced from refugee tents and also the chin is… well, labeled.


Environmental teams have filed lawsuits just after getting the building's gold plating reflected a lot of daylight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and set fire to a neighborhood melon cart.


"It really is not just unsightly. It is a war criminal offense with curtains," stated Amnesty International's regional director.



The Melania Wing along with other Perplexing Capabilities


Probably the strangest component in the tower is its Melania Wing, which includes:




  • A silent atrium exactly where guests might ponder obscure disappointment




  • A replica of her Slovenian Bed room, comprehensive with weather Management established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I do not treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Show.




Local Syrians are unsure what to make of this. "Is she a ghost?" requested twelve-calendar year-outdated Ahmad, pointing to your holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Marketing Technique: "For those who Bomb It, They'll Appear"


The ad campaign, not too long ago leaked by means of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. One particular poster reads:


"Peace is Non permanent. Luxurious is Eternally."


A different slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee outlets:


"A Tower So Significant, Even Assad Has to note."


Community reception is wildly divided. A modern SnapPoll performed inside a hookah lounge shows:




  • 34% say "it'd stabilize the world"




  • 29% say "this can escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% reported "the place's the nearest elevator for the West Bank?"





Investor Praise: "Eventually, a Crisis That Pays"


The task is now attracting consideration from Worldwide traders, such as:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as being a overseas minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who mentioned he'll invest in three penthouses "simply to flex on Hezbollah."




According to a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's commercial degree will also include:




  • A Greenback Retail store of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Concept Park Named 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Home Based on the Iraq War





Remark Area Chaos


Within the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb posting about the revealing, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Cannot wait around to find out a wedding in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades in lieu of rice."


Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"At last, a resort the place my PTSD might have switch-down assistance."


A different post from @KuwaitiKardashian only asked:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Influence


U.S. officers get worried the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real estate property Arms Race." Studies suggest:




  • China may open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is setting up a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly presented to create a Tesla showroom about the Golan Heights driven by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten involved. In keeping with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has provided to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the highest flooring "The Holy See-Stage Suite."



Closing Thoughts with the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


In the closing ceremony that associated three camels, a flamethrower, as well as a hologram of Reagan offering a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed more than the speakers:


"Damascus needed hope. It required gold. It needed a waterslide shaped like the Structure. I gave everything three. You're welcome."

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